＊夢物語＊

2006-07-04 - 3:07 p.m.

free fall

i can't believe i forgot about posting jin's bday graphic at midnight last night. well okay i guess it's not that unbelievable. way too depressed last night. man i haven't had these serious depression bouts in a while *lol* guess y'all should be glad to see i'm still alive to laugh about it. hmm then again i'm not exactly laughing. i've been pasting on this fake smile on my face all morning to assure my mother i was fine. not that she noticed much either. just that she saw me spacing out a few times.

spent three hours just lying in bed after dinner. felt utterly, utterly hopeless and useless. tearing and tearing. i was like in a daze. couldn't even think. my heart felt like it was doing a free fall and my stomach felt sick. half the time i lay there wishing the roof would just cave in and crash down on me so i could die straight away. i'm usually not a morbid person but well, i felt like hell last night. still feeling extremely lousy today, but i'm choosing to distract myself. kept squeezing the plastic library card in my hand, and eventually rubbing it against my wrist. couldn't feel any pain, just pressure. then i started doing it with the scissors but i stopped before it drew blood. that was how desperate i felt. for me, someone who is totally against SI and whatnot, and is totally big on the good daughter discipline issue, just felt like shit at that time. so much so i nearly cut myself. very gay right.

i've never felt this worried in my life before. not before the release of O's, not before CCE, etc. now i literally feel sick with worry. my eyes are swollen and hurt and my wrist still hurts. so stupid. what's worse is knowing the fact that i am just ARGH FUCKING STUPID AND USELESS. i've never hated a person this much. man. as i was sitting in my mom's car this morning i kept wishing we would have an accident so i could just die immediately. of course i don't want to get mom killed. but just let me die.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

you want to know why i have such bad sleeping habits? i sleep at 5am all the time and wake up past noon. it's because i'm up watching movies or dramas or crap. the reason behind is that i just don't want to sleep, because once i close my eyes, i feel nothing but fear and anxiety yet again. it feels so bad that i'm suffocating inside. it's like i'm getting choked. so i just distract myself and watch shit until my brain and eyes really get tired and i'm ready to drop dead. then only i can sleep. of course those fcked up dreams are another issue, but at least i'm in slumber. otherwise i'd just be tossing and turning. argh i hate this :'(

i don't know how i can live past the next two days. this does not bode well. if thursday does not turn out well, i'm not sure what i'm going to do. i try to think ahead but i really can't forsee or imagine or even plan what i should do. i'll probably just be paralyzed. maybe i'll die or something. i don't know. maybe i'll lock myself up. or run away. i don't know. neither of these seem like very good options.

oh i received the NANA dvd from my dearest jiejie. thank you so much! and also she sponsored me half the cost of the Nightmare photobook, which i finally bought. sakito is just gorgeous. and ruka is so pretty too.

been doing nothing since parents left for work. reading old naito blog entries, bumming around lj communities. my head is started to hurt. feels like i've got cotton wool stuffed up my brain. but i'm sick of just lying in bed like a corpse. cos then i just start thinking about shit and feel even more shitty. feeling so numb right now.

i don't understand how my life could have come to this. and the fact that i am here sounding as though i am self-pitying and whining about whatever torment i'm going through is just pathetic. because i've never been this pathetic before. i've always prided myself in being mentally and emotionally strong and disciplined. i guess i've just got to admit i'm not the perfect daughter my parents want, not the great student my school believes i am, and not the perfect person i wanted myself to become.

sugar || spice